Parental Perception......

I wrote this from a place of joy not hurt. A place of redemption not misplacement. A place of hope not a place of bitterness. I wrote this simply to tell the truth for others.

Maybe if I did something different or just knew God then the way I know Him now she would want a relationship with me. Maybe if I just submitted to whatever she wanted rather than follow my heart and believe in unconditional love. Maybe if I just went to her and dealt with all the things I never knew rather than go where I was comfortable even in the midst of pain. Maybe if if I just did everything different and did it the way she wanted she would want a relationship with me now. What else could I have done? What more could I have given to please her and make her want a relationship with me, her son? I have exhausted my thoughts and time trying to come up with a solution to a problem that for so long I didn't even know existed and still can not identify. A problem that has caused me to spend previous years wondering the "what if" as it relates to my actions, or maybe lack of.

How is it that we can spend years tearing down walls that were built up as protection against pains you knew would come and against the hurt you have endured. Only to find that once those walls were completely gone there was nothing on the other side any more. To come the moment as an adult where you realize that maybe, just maybe, the child you were caused your parent(s) to distance themselves from you so far that their idea of a relationship with you is communicating through others and going around you to get to your own kids, all the while they never ask about you, contact you, write to you, or even respect the request you have when it comes to your own kids. As your parent tries to go around you to talk to others leaves you in the dark as you try to instill values in your kids that ensure they never grow up and wonder if you feel about them the same way your parent feels about you. To realize as an adult that the actions your parent took while you were a child has caused you to walk down a path that was unhealthy and destructive never realizing why you took this path is tragic because you realize just what could have happened if God was not covering you in spite of.

For years as a child I have wondered "why?" and as an adult and a father I wonder "how?" I have always wondered how a parent could have these feelings towards their child until I realized that it was never the child who caused the feelings in the first place. As adults, we encounter situations that take us like clay and mold our minds in to the people we become. It does not stop when we are children or cease when we reach a certain age. We encounter situations daily and react out of those situations that cause us to make decisions that will ultimately affect our lives as well as the lives of others around us. This includes our children. I realized once I was free from the paid that as a child, I acted as a child and when I got older I put all childish things away. Unfortunately, some parents don't do that. They continue to follow those childish methods that life is about them and their actions have no consequences and the hurt they cause others is the others problem and not theirs. Some parents feel that if you don't follow them and feel the same way they do about everything then you are a bother to them and someone who refuses to see things any other way. Some parents feel that as an adult and a parent in our own right, have no clue how to raise our children and feel that the values and respect that you instill in your home for your kids are just your way of making it about you. As I put away those childish things from my past I realized it was not me and the reason I did not do things different to get her to love me was because she should have loved me anyways. The reason I didn't follow her rather follow my own heart was because I didn't want to be that parent. The reason I didn't deal with her is because it would have gotten worse. The reason I didn't submit to her ways is because her ways caused me to feel the way I felt and that is not how a child should have to feel.

As an adult who has been healed and set free it is not hurt and bitterness that I feel. It is concern, sadness, and disappointment that I look back on this with. Sadness because I think about all the other children who have to deal with this. Disappointment because she missed out on so much and I will never know that feeling that has been absent for years. Concern because after realizing her actions hurt her son in the past and has caused him to take a journey that could have been far more destructive then it already was and knowing her sons frustrations with it all....her response is "you see things how you want to."

As parents we have to realize that the feelings our children face can be magnified or healed by how we respond. We may not always agree with how they feel or their perception of what happened but their perception is their reality and we are charged with molding their minds and helping them even if it means changing something about us.